First of all, I’ve not written in a while. So this is totally off the cuff. I am just going with it as things pop into my head.
So, obviously I made Josh (with the help of the hubby). I grew him, I carried him, I birthed him (eventually – bloody massive head!) and I suppose as his Mother, I will shape him into what I have no doubt will be a decent, kind, loving young man.
But the truth of it is, Josh has made ME. He has 100% moulded me into the person I am today. I am not the person I was three years ago; the frustrated, lost woman who was obsessively trying to fall pregnant. It would take another year before I did. And looking back I can see that instant change in me that came about when I discovered I was pregnant.
I suppose we are all a little bit selfish in harmless ways; you want something, you buy it. You want to go out, even if it’s a school night, you go. You live life for you. I am and always have been someone who never wanted to look back on life with “what if’s” and that has led me to sometimes make decisions that in hindsight, were a bit selfish. As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, there is no room for it to be all about you anymore. Your focus and energy is pretty much entirely focused on this little person, who is immediately your world and your responsibility.
I’ve always been a pretty positive person but I am sure Josh has made me even more positive. I feel this is probably due to the fact he makes me feel so lucky and grateful to be his Mummy. It’s so true that when your child gives you a hug, it’s like your hug has actual magical powers; it can instantly take away pain, sadness and put a smile on your babies face.
Being a Mum makes you feel emotions to the most extreme. You feel the happiest you could possibly feel. However you also can feel the most tired and exhausted you’ve ever felt. You can feel a whole mixtures of emotions in the space of a day. And you don’t realise it when you’re in the depths of a shit storm day but these extreme emotions are what builds you up, moulds you and makes you the strong and epic mother you are.
Because you ARE an epic Mother.
We all have testing times. I’ve had a very shit time recently. But I swear I get through them because of Josh. He gets me through them. In the past week I’ve found him moving his ball pit from the lounge to the kitchen; the sight of this tiny (or not) toddler dragging a ball pit from one room to another was hilarious and even in the depths of being sad it lifted me. He lifted me. He has no idea he’s making me feel better. His newest game is lobbing toys out the bath at me, in turn soaking me, and then laughing his head off. I could get annoyed; both me and the bathroom are drenched by the end of a 20 minute bath but it doesn’t matter because he’s laughing, I’m laughing and as long as we are laughing, nothing else matters.
I suppose it appears I am babbling on. Forgive me; I didn’t “plan out ” this blog post. To be honest I rarely do plan them; I write off the cuff. But the point I want to get across is that I am so thankful to Josh. I hope one day he reads this and knows that I am so grateful to him because he made me the Mummy I am. He shaped me into who I am today. He did it without even trying. As an adult, we are all constantly trying to have that Instagram perfect life; it’s just a given these days with the amount of social media we have and the pressure we put on ourselves to have a certain number of likes or followers. But life isn’t perfect; and Josh has taught me that perfect isn’t important. Happiness is important. Being Josh’s mum is important. I didn’t know you could love as hard and as whole heartedly as you do when you’re a Mother. And it’s the best feeling in the world.
So thank you my darling boy, my first born, my naughty baby. I love you and you made me who I am today; strong, determined, positive, optimistic, more care-free, less judgemental, open hearted and a car singing, Mum dancing and utterly lucky Mama.
I love you Josh.
PS. Imagine if you don’t read this until you’re a teenager and do so cringing and rolling your eyes (ironically, a trait you’ll get from me). I’m writing this listening to Ed Sheeran (I hope he’s still about when you’re a bit older), you’re at nursery with your little buddy Ellie, it’s a Monday morning, Donald Trump is president (Scary, I know), it’s April yet snow is forecast this week, and I’ve just text your Auntie Hannah to send me more of her hand-me downs from Tubbs (sorry Toby) for you from my iPhone 6, which right now is pretty modern (your Dad hates iPhones) but I expect by the time you read this and I finally let you have a phone it’ll be an iPhone 37 or something mental! Random eh. Love you. Now go and clean your room 😉