Ah my lovely little blog. My space to chat rubbish and open my heart.
It’s been quite a week. A tough one, a sad one, a frustrating one. One where you think you could lose faith, where you lose all enthusiasm and motivation for anything. I have decided not to write another post on the bitch that is miscarriage. You know it is, I know it is and if you’ve horribly been through it like I have been, you’ll know how much it can utterly drain you.
I think of the most important things is keeping faith. Faith in your body, faith in your future, faith in believing what is meant to be will be. It’s fucking hard though when you’re struggling, when you go through something that makes you sob those horribly hot uncontrollable tears, where your whole body shakes with them. But I am a firm believer in letting your emotions out. I don’t want to bottle anything up. I want to grieve for what I’ve lost.
Sometimes people say things say to you to try and comfort you. And it is often with the best of intentions, but when someone says to you “it was so early, it was just cells” I just want to yell at them and say “Josh was, at one point, just a bunch of cells, but he grew into my beautiful baby”. Of course I don’t yell; I never would because I know people would only ever mean to support me. I think it boils down to the fact that people deal with things differently. My husband is very matter of fact, very logical and not very emotional. But in a way that’s a good thing; he continually encourages me to be strong and I know deep down that’s what I need to be.
One thing that is amazing when you go through such a shit time is the support you get. Friends that listen, that don’t have to say a word and just hold you whilst you cry, friends that come over and make you lunch and send you off for a shower and a nap. Simple things that you will hold dearly in your heart forever, things that you won’t forget.
It is true that when you go through these horrible times you realise your own strength. And you have to look at what you do have; what you are blessed with, and reminding yourself how lucky you are even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I am beyond lucky. Josh is my shadow; he’s with me all day every day, and as much as that is hard work at times and demanding and sometimes you just want to have a wee without him there pulling the loo roll off the wall, it’s actually a blessing. I am so lucky to have him.
Miscarriage is something that seems to be very statistic based; 1 in 4 is just something that you hear over and over. But it is insanely common. And that’s why it must be talked about and women (and their partners) MUST be supported. It’s important you deal with things in your own way, do what will help yo, do what will get you through the difficult times. Do things that will get you smiling again. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.
You guys have been kind to me. So kind. And that also makes me feel lucky.
This is a very brief post. I’m tired. I’m really tired. It’s raw, it hurts and it’s not something I’m going to get over in a day. No matter how small that life was, I was it’s Mummy. I always will be. I’m going to take my time and take my care of myself. I’m always going to have faith. I’m getting there. And that’s what matters, right.