So as I write this I am literally having a Mummy Meltdown. I’ve had a good cry, and decided to blog in the hope it will release a bit of my stress and, frankly, despair.
So we’ve just got back from a weekend away. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lovely festive time, but for some reason it has completely disrupted Josh. He cried most of the way home yesterday, before finally falling asleep and then he was in a much better mood in the afternoon. But then last night he woke up at 2am crying his eyes out, and did the same at 5. Both times I gave in and fed him, for which I now feel like a total failure because I was meant to be weaning him off the boob! But he was so inconsolable, and I was so tired, what was I supposed to do! He was even crying when he got up this morning which isn’t like him; he normally wakes up and babbles to himself.
Then all day today he’s cried, whinged, been clingy one second then pushing me away the next second. It is so fucking hard when he’s like this – when any baby is like this. I am at a loss for what to do; he won’t sleep, he won’t eat, he doesn’t have a temperature. As a mother I feel like I spend most of my time searching for answers with no luck. I hate seeing my usually happy little boy so sad and having no idea what is wrong.
Being a Mum doesn’t get any easier
**Update** So I had to abandon this post earlier as Josh woke after a mere 13 minutes of sleep, straight into meltdown mode and it took me about another hour to settle him. Thankfully I managed to get him to eat some dinner and we had a bath together which seemed to calm him.
I’ve literally fucking hated today. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to do everything I can to calm Josh, comfort him, please him and even in the midst of a meltdown he has sometimes not even wanted me; he’s begged to be picked up, I’ve picked him up, then he’s struggled and pulled away from me. I know it’s because he is out of sorts and that he just doesn’t know what he wants, but it hurts me when I can’t make him happy. It makes me feel like I’m failing because I’m not instantly able to make it all better. I know that sounds ridiculous, and I know deep down I’m not failing, but in that moment when they’ve cried all day, and you’ve done everything you can think of, and done your best, you just feel defeated. I’ve found today really hard, and it took me back to the early days of motherhood when you haven’t got a clue what to do half the time. I think I feel down because a year down the line I thought I’d know exactly what it might be bothering my son, but still I am learning , guessing, figuring it out as I go along. I’ve had a day of beating myself up for not having the answers and for cracking and breastfeeding him when I was meant to be weaning him off the boob. I hate feeling like a shit Mum. I know I’m not a shit Mum. I know most of us have days where we feel like we are completely shit, lost, losing the plot, but in reality we are bloody fantastic, dedicated and loving Mums. But we’re tired, we only have so much patience, we sadly don’t have all the answers, and we can only do our best.
I’ll get there; I’ll get through today, I’ll get through whatever it is that’s upsetting him at the moment, I’ll get through it all. And that’s what you have to remind yourself sometimes. But sometimes it’s so hard to have that positive mentality when you’re having a shit storm of a day.
Being a Mum teaches you that you have strength you didn’t even know you had. And if any of us Mums can get through these awful days where you feel you can’t do anything right, then we deserve a medal! We have to remind ourselves we’re actually doing pretty bloody well sometimes!
I really wanted todays post to be about our weekend in London and full of happy photos and laughter, but my blog has always been about reality, and this has been my reality today. I’m sorry it’s not a cheery post, but I will use tomorrows Blogmas post to tell you all about our weekend away and (PLEASE GOD) I am sure we will have a better day tomorrow.