I remember last year just before I had Josh I was talking to my father in law about Christmas and how excited I was. I remember saying to him “It’s going to be magical” and although he agreed he said “it’ll be even more magical the year after”.
Once I had Josh I realised exactly what he meant.
I love Christmas. I am borderline pathetic. I write lists, I get those decorations up on 1st December (even when in labour….. read all about it here) and I love any excuse to buy Christmas jumpers… pyjamas…. socks…. you get the picture. I cannot wait to get Josh in his already bought Christmas pyjamas and jumper. But despite having my precious boy in time for last years celebrations I can honestly say ( and PLEASE don’t judge me)….
I HATED last Christmas.
People say after you have a baby you may have a couple of hormonal days, a touch of the baby blues. I think I had it for about six weeks, and I remember being a miserable bint last Christmas. I remember being so annoyed I had to spend the whole day feeding, something I was still getting to grips with, much less getting used to doing in front of family and friends, so I spent half the day upstairs feeding in private. God bless my sister and mother in law cause I remember they came up at one point and I just broke down; they just held me and told me it does get easier. And they were absolutely right. But at the time, I felt so lost. I was so overwhelmed by everything. Poor Sam; I remember he was so excited as he (and usually I) always are about Christmas. The house was full of family and friends. But I didn’t want to know. I felt he was being selfish and insensitive enjoying himself, having a drink and mingling with visitors whilst I was stuck upstairs. He wasn’t; he was just doing what any of us would do at Christmas. It was me who wasn’t seeing things as I normally would.
I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when a family friend was given Josh to hold. In my defence I didn’t know her, and my hormones were going insane. Josh’s Grandad was proudly showing him off to everyone when he passed Josh to be held by this lady. To be fair this was nothing out of the ordinary. But you’ve never seen somebody’s back go up the way mind did when I saw. I remember thinking “don’t be over the top, it’s not a big deal” but I felt an insane amount of overprotection. I immediately went and took Josh from this poor woman, who I am pretty sure picked up on my weirdness and said he was due a feed. He wasn’t really but at that age they don’t care do they; they’ll take boob whenever it’s presented to them! But I knew in that moment I wasn’t quite right.
Those of you who regularly read my blog will know how the story goes, and where I am now – which is in a GREAT place! And I think that will make me even more appreciative and grateful for what this Christmas has to offer. Josh is now getting really affectionate; giving cuddles and wanting to curl up close to me and I can’t wait to give him presents and have a cuddle in return! Feeling those chubby little arms around my neck, even when he ends up pulling my hair with an insane strength that I’ll never understand, is a lovely feeling that cannot be underestimated. You can be having the shittiest day possible and the power of that cuddle makes any grumpiness melt away! So combine that with the magic that is Christmas and it literally makes me a glitterbomb of excitement. The childish sparkle of Christmas is reignited once kids are involved; decorating the tree together becomes a family tradition (although how the fuck am I going to stop Josh pulling the tree down I’ve got no idea), wrapping his presents and then seeing his little face when he opens them, and getting to leave out treats for Father Christmas, embracing that innocent childhood excitement of Christmas makes it a million times more exciting. And God knows how spoilt he’s going to be with presents and sweet treats; you’ve got to relax and allow some goodies at Christmas haven’t you!! And this year I am going to make the absolute most of it.
Last year was a wobble. A very steep learning curve. I was a very scared, hormonal new Mummy. Therefore I am cutting myself some slack looking back. I may have hidden away, cried a lot and had no enthusiasm for gifts and bubbly (see, told you I wasn’t myself) but it didn’t and doesn’t make me a bad Mum. It is yet another lesson learnt on this journey that is Mummyhood and one where it has taught me to be so grateful for this years celebrations and many more in the years to come.
So on that note, in my pre Christmas excitement, I am off to write some lists….. one of presents for Josh and of course my own Christmas list! I may be a Mum now but I am still embarrassingly childish when it comes to the possibility of presents!!!!! It’s been a hell of a year; I’ve earned it 😉