Another week has flown by and for us it’s been a week of highs and lows.
It all started really nicely and the highlight of the week was having a lovely Mummy and Son morning with Josh. Seeing as it’s still ludicrously warm for this time of year I decided to make the most of living near the seaside and took Josh to the beach. Some of you may have seen my vlog on this earlier in the week, which I hope you enjoyed. Even though I’ve only made a few vlogs so far I am really enjoying making them and I am getting increasingly keen to invest in a decent camera to make these more professional. I do like the rawness of what I’ve been doing though; life isn’t always as polished and picture perfect as some of the family vlogs out there and as much as I enjoy watching them, it can make you put pressure on yourself to make your home, appearance, life as slick and polished as what you may see elsewhere.
Anyway, as I say Josh and I had a lovely morning but we did experience a few negatives on our little trip out. One, which I did mention in the vlog was the amount of put out looks you get from people who you go past with the buggy. Even when there is lots of room for both me, the buggy and who ever happens to be getting past, you would think they might offer a smile at the, quite frankly, adorable baby in my buggy! But no you get over exaggerated huffs and puffs from people, and I’m sorry it’s often the older generation, and find yourself going “sorry” as though you are in the wrong for pushing your baby down the perfectly decent sized pavement! That wound me up a lot.
The other negative we experienced was something I didn’t mention on the vlog because I didn’t want to take away from the happiness of our morning. Josh is now 9 months and I am still breastfeeding. Obviously he now eats solids and is on three meals a day but I breast feed in the evenings and night and occasionally during the day if he seems to need it. And one of these times was when we were out on our morning. Fortunately he only needed a short feed and there are lots of benches to sit and enjoy the gorgeous sea view, and being a seasoned breastfeeder I feed very subtly with the help of the two vest trick and Josh knowing exactly what he’s doing. I am not one to draw attention to myself and would never be whipping my whole tit out in public for the world to see! So when some dippy bint strolled past with her fella and muttered something about exposing myself I wasn’t best pleased. Because believe me I wasn’t – in fact this is how I look when I breastfeed:
Hopefully you’ll agree, the only tit being exposed was the mouthy one walking past with her fella with some sort of complex he was going to be eyeing up a breastfeeding Mum. Seeing as I looked like shit that day I highly doubt that. But she wasn’t the only one to throw a disapproving and awkward look my way. It made me realise that to be honest you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t! If I hadn’t breast fed Josh at the beginning, I’d of been judged for bottle feeding, I’d of had people declaring that I wasn’t giving him the best start in life. But as you all know, I did breastfeed and have happily continued to do so. In my opinion I’ve done really well doing it for 9 months even with only one decent boob to feed off of, seeing as shit boob gave up about 6 months ago! And I do plan on doing this until he is 1 in December. Yet I’m judged for this; you see people looking at you in public and it’s clear they’re thinking “why are you still feeding him”! I get so infuriated with peoples judgements cause it seems you just can’t win either way sometimes!!
However bigger things happened this week that put silly peoples judgements into serious perspective.
I’ve discussed this subject before so I don’t want to dwell on it too much or repeat things I’ve said before. But the point of these weekly diary posts is to give an honest, real insight into my life as a Mum and I wanted to talk about what’s happened.
About a week ago I thought my period had returned. It was very sudden, very grim and weirdly stopped as soon as it started. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, especially as I am still breastfeeding. This week the bleeding returned, with cramps and other horrible side effects. My heart told me something wasn’t quite right. But I wasn’t expecting to be told I was going through something called a chemical pregnancy. I always thought I’d know when I was pregnant again. A chemical pregnancy is called that rather than a miscarriage because it’s so early it wouldn’t even be detected on a scan. Mine was established due to my hormone levels from blood and urine tests.
We weren’t trying yet, in fact we’ve been being careful as I have in my mind when I’d like us to try again. And obviously I didn’t know I was pregnant. But it doesn’t entirely take away the pain you feel, from an emotional point of view. You get so many clichéd things said to you when you miscarry; not because people are heartless but because people just don’t now what to say, so you hear “it wasn’t meant to be, it happened for a reason, there’s a reason why your body rejected it” and so on. And yes, for the most part people are right, no matter how irritating it can be to hear this. But whether I had known I was pregnant or not, whether it was planned or not, I’ve had to spend large parts of this week alone in my bathroom saying an undignified goodbye to a part of me I didn’t even know existed until it was gone.
It may sound odd but I’ve not cried as much as I thought I would have yet. I know it’s inside me waiting to come out. I tried today to go to a friends wedding, I got dressed up and tried to enjoy the day. But after the service and one drink at the reception I could feel the tears, the emotions, building. Hence why I am now at home writing this, looking rather insane with perfectly glammed hair and make up but in my cosy pyjamas, baby boy in bed, and my stupid (but adorable) cat here for company.
I know the key now is time. I am really feeling the physical side effects too; I’m in a lot of pain and I’m shattered, and bearing in mind that I’m getting on with life as normal in terms of looking after Josh and doing night feeds. So I know I need to take it easy on myself for the next week. And that’s why I won’t be attending this years MAD Blog Awards.
When I found out I was a finalist in the category of best baby blog I nearly died of shock! When the amazing Sarah at The Unmumsy Mum messaged me wishing me luck (she won this category last year) it literally made my year!! I am realistic; I know the chances of me winning are slim! Very very slim. But you just never know. Maybe all my hard work, my honest writing, my bluntness, my realistic take on being a first time Mum, will pay off. And if it doesn’t, that doesn’t matter. To have got to the finals in a category that has so many amazing writers is such an achievement in my eyes. I am doing pretty darn well with my blog, and long may it continue!!
So I am going to try and end this weeks diary post with that positive thought. It’s been a rough week, a tough week, a testing one, one where the experience will shape me as a person. All I can say is I am just taking things a day at a time, I’m keeping my positive mindset – I refuse to let that be taken away from me, and I am SO grateful for the amazing messages I’ve received from everyone. People don’t know how incredible words can be, how powerful, meaningful, unforgettable, these words can be. I am beyond grateful.
I don’t know what next weeks Diary post will entail; but imagine if it says I am a MAD Blog Award Winner. OK, OK, I know it’s highly unlikely but just imagining it gives me such a buzz. Who knows eh – a girl can (and should) dream!
To end this on a slightly lighter note, here are some little bits and bobs that have made me smile this week:
- Hubs asked me to go to Dunelm Mill to look for a rug to cover our absolute state of a lounge carpet…. instead I came back with these cute bits and bobs for my desk:
- We got a little sneak preview of our family photos from our photoshoot a few weeks ago. Hubs absolutely hates staged photos so he was even more thrilled than me when this lovely picture came through; very natural, happy, and our little family
- Flowers. Because flowers are pretty, simple, uncomplicated and naturally beautiful <3
- Coffee, in the shape of a heart. Cause I love cute things – like love hearts (hence my tattoos) and I love coffee – cause I’m really fucking tired!!
- The boy decides quite often that it’s crucial that we wake up at 6am cause God Forbid we miss this sunrise (he has a point – How Beautiful)
- This one. Cause he’s my boy, he’s beautiful and he makes the hardest and most testing days that bit easier. I am so lucky!
I hope this hasn’t come across as too depressing guys, as I’ve said, being real and honest with you all is so important to me. Back to happy Fi in no time at all, bear with me 🙂
Lots of Love