There we go. I’ve said it! I don’t know who’s more surprised – you or me!
I remember about 6 weeks after Josh was born, when I was still trying to find my arse from my elbow, sitting Sam down and telling him in no uncertain circumstances was I ever having another baby. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t know who I was and in my mind, there was no way I’d ever be able to cope with two. After a fairly difficult birth that I was a little bit affected by afterwards, I had no desire to go through it all again.
But as with most new Mums, I finally got to grips with things. I adapted to the poo filled, sleep deprived but utterly wonderful life in my new role as Mummy and have felt beyond grateful that I was at home with Josh to see him grow into a frantic and headstrong toddler.
Over the last month or so I’ve felt that familiar feeling I had when we decided to have Josh. That urge to read about pregnancy, the longing for a bump, the broodiness I feel around those with newborns. I do wonder if that’s where my recent breastfeeding envy has come from. Because that ache is now all too real.
Am I mad; my body is just back to being mine again, we have a balanced family life, we have a nice routine, things are going, dare I say it, well. And of course there are the same questions raised as when we decided to have Josh; can we afford it, will we want to move, as well as the worries that come with having a second; the age gap, balancing giving them both attention, will I be able to breastfeed again, is the house big enough, and most importantly, how will I ever cope with two!
I am the first to admit, those first couple of months as a mother are hard. It is one of the most testing times of your life but it is also a time that makes you stronger, makes you realise just what you’re capable of. And more importantly, it is one of the most magical times; that new baby love is like no other. And from a positive point of view, there is the reassurance that you kind of know what to expect the second time around; although you can never be completely prepared, every baby is different, you have an idea of what’s waiting for you on the other side of labour.
One of the biggest fears for me is wondering how I’ll cope. But I already know that somehow, I will. I did before and I will again. One thing I learnt from having Josh is that gut instinct is everything; and every fibre of my being is saying I’m ready.
Another thing I learnt though, don’t plan too much. You don’t know how hard things will be; falling pregnant isn’t always easy. I don’t know what 2017 holds, but I do know what I hope for, and I’ll leave my faith in good old Mother Nature. Which is far easier said than done and leads me to my other fear.
I am so scared of having another miscarriage.
Despite the chronic sickness and other delightful pregnancy symptoms, I enjoyed being pregnant with Josh. But I never totally relaxed because my history of being pregnant wasn’t great. I’ve had three miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. I know so many women who have been through the same and far, far worse, and it is utterly devastating. The struggle to get pregnant is torment enough, to know that you don’t have the best history of carrying can take some of the magic away. And to be honest, I am scared because I don’t know if I could cope with that loss again. I don’t think I am strong enough.
With Josh I managed to relax more once I had that all important 12 week scan but still in the back of my head I couldn’t be 100% relaxed until he was delivered and in my arms. I will never forget ringing my parents to tell them the baby had been born; my Dad absolutely broke down, not just from happy emotions but from sheer relief. I didn’t know at the time, but he was so anxious during my pregnancy. He was ecstatic when I told him he’d become a Grandfather and so grateful Josh was here and healthy.
So yes, that fear is there for me. But I am not going to let it darken what will, I pray, be a beautiful next step for our family. I talk a lot on my blog about having faith in yourself as a person. When it comes to pregnancy, you have to have complete faith in your body cause that’s who is in control. It’s easy to get caught up emotionally in “trying not to jinx it” but your body is the one calling the shots here and you just have to trust it and look after yourself. Putting emotional pressure upon yourself isn’t going to help, and that’s what I keep telling myself.
Are you ever ready for a baby, be it first time, second time, fifth time (NUTTER). Nope probably not. Every pregnancy is different, every baby is different, every one is different. If you think about these things too much you’d never do anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but the prospect of where I might be in a years time, that’s pretty exciting!