I’m Broody – Growing My Tribe!

I’m broody.

There we go. I’ve said it! I don’t know who’s more surprised – you or me!

I remember about 6 weeks after Josh was born, when I was still trying to find my arse from my elbow, sitting Sam down and telling him in no uncertain circumstances was I ever having another baby. I was overwhelmed, I didn’t know who I was and in my mind, there was no way I’d ever be able to cope with two. After a fairly difficult birth that I was a little bit affected by afterwards, I had no desire to go through it all again.

But as with most new Mums, I finally got to grips with things. I adapted to the poo filled, sleep deprived but utterly wonderful life in my new role as Mummy and have felt beyond grateful that I was at home with Josh to see him grow into a frantic and headstrong toddler.

Over the last month or so I’ve felt that familiar feeling I had when we decided to have Josh. That urge to read about pregnancy, the longing for a bump, the broodiness I feel around those with newborns. I do wonder if that’s where my recent breastfeeding envy has come from. Because that ache is now all too real.

38 weeks with Josh!

Am I mad; my body is just back to being mine again, we have a balanced family life, we have a nice routine, things are going, dare I say it, well. And of course there are the same questions raised as when we decided to have Josh; can we afford it, will we want to move, as well as the worries that come with having a second; the age gap, balancing giving them both attention, will I be able to breastfeed again, is the house big enough, and most importantly, how will I ever cope with two!

I am the first to admit, those first couple of months as a mother are hard. It is one of the most testing times of your life but it is also a time that makes you stronger, makes you realise just what you’re capable of. And more importantly, it is one of the most magical times; that new baby love is like no other. And from a positive point of view, there is the reassurance that you kind of know what to expect the second time around; although you can never be completely prepared, every baby is different, you have an idea of what’s waiting for you on the other side of labour.

One of the biggest fears for me is wondering how I’ll cope. But I already know that somehow, I will. I did before and I will again. One thing I learnt from having Josh is that gut instinct is everything; and every fibre of my being is saying I’m ready.

Another thing I learnt though, don’t plan too much. You don’t know how hard things will be; falling pregnant isn’t always easy.  I don’t know what 2017 holds, but I do know what I hope for, and I’ll leave my faith in good old Mother Nature. Which is far easier said than done and leads me to my other fear.

I am so scared of having another miscarriage.

Despite the chronic sickness and other delightful pregnancy symptoms, I enjoyed being pregnant with Josh. But I never totally relaxed because my history of being pregnant wasn’t great. I’ve had three miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. I know so many women who have been through the same and far, far worse, and it is utterly devastating. The struggle to get pregnant is torment enough, to know that you don’t have the best history of carrying can take some of the magic away. And to be honest, I am scared because I don’t know if I could cope with that loss again. I don’t think I am strong enough.

Taking great pride in announcing my pregnancy with Josh <3

With Josh I managed to relax more once I had that all important 12 week scan but still in the back of my head I couldn’t be 100% relaxed until he was delivered and in my arms. I will never forget ringing my parents to tell them the baby had been born; my Dad absolutely broke down, not just from happy emotions but from sheer relief. I didn’t know at the time, but he was so anxious during my pregnancy. He was ecstatic when I told him he’d become a Grandfather and so grateful Josh was here and healthy.

So yes, that fear is there for me. But I am not going to let it darken what will, I pray, be a beautiful next step for our family. I talk a lot on my blog about having faith in yourself as a person. When it comes to pregnancy, you have to have complete faith in your body cause that’s who is in control. It’s easy to get caught up emotionally in “trying not to jinx it” but your body is the one calling the shots here and you just have to trust it and look after yourself. Putting emotional pressure upon yourself isn’t going to help, and that’s what I keep telling myself.

Are you ever ready for a baby, be it first time, second time, fifth time (NUTTER). Nope probably not. Every pregnancy is different, every baby is different, every one is different. If you think about these things too much you’d never do anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but the prospect of where I might be in a years time, that’s pretty exciting!

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14 Comments

  1. March 1, 2017 / 8:07 pm

    Just go with the flow love. Its understandably going to be hard after your miscarriage but just try to take it easy and just see what happens. I was terrified after we lost Oliver and just look at the little monkey I have. As for money and space you just learn to cope. Best of luck xxx
    Fran Back With a Bump recently posted…Recipe: Ladybird Birthday CakeMy Profile

  2. March 1, 2017 / 8:50 pm

    Oh what an exciting time! I am the first to say every pregnancy is different, from horrible sickness and dispising chocolate with H, to this one of no sickness, and craving chocolate and cake and coffee… I also believe that your hormones and body is in a different place after having a baby, regardless of how long it’s been… So everything is different. Anyway, I’m not there yet, but am sure we’ll cope, that’s what we do, we figure out a way to work with what we get. And like you’re an amazing mother to Josh you’ll adapt and so will he, whatever the future holds and when. Xx
    New Mummy Blog recently posted…Toddler tooth brushing help | Brush-Baby BabySonic Electric Toothbrush – REVIEWMy Profile

  3. March 3, 2017 / 2:44 pm

    I know just what you mean about feeling broody, I’ve been feeling it myself a lot lately. My youngest just turned 3 and has started half days at school, and I’m so sad that we’re well and truly out of the baby and toddler days, I really would love to do it all over again. x #BlogCrush

  4. March 3, 2017 / 5:15 pm

    I think Josh is at the age where the broodiness kicked in for me too – I was broody for a long long time before I finally thought I’d be able to cope with a second! I’m finding second time around a very different pregnancy anxiety-wise. I was anxious the whole way through with Max, and just couldn’t envision coming out at the end with a real baby – I just worried about everything. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage when we first started trying again, but even with that, the anxiety this time has been so much better. Although I’ve definitely worried, it’s definitely less and has tended to be concentrated around the scans. I think partly you don’t have the time to worry as you’re busy running around after your number 1! Good luck with it all!
    Katy – Hot Pink Wellingtons recently posted…The Pregnancy Diaries: Week 25My Profile

    • beautybabyandme
      March 6, 2017 / 11:44 am

      Thank you so much honey. I am so sorry you suffered a loss. It’s never easy xxx

  5. March 6, 2017 / 7:32 am

    I commented the other day but definitely think just go for it and see what happens! Thanks for joining for #marvmondays x
    Fran Back With A Bump recently posted…Marvellous MondaysMy Profile

    • beautybabyandme
      March 6, 2017 / 11:42 am

      Thank you lovely xx

  6. March 6, 2017 / 3:38 pm

    I can relate the broody feeling! It’s weird how it sneaks up on you. I think you’re right that you don’t know how you’ll cope with 2 but you just will because you learnt to cope with becoming a new parent! If you do decide to go for it then wishing all the luck in the world for things to go well! #MarvMondays
    Angela Watling recently posted…Five Favourite Finds #10My Profile

  7. March 6, 2017 / 3:54 pm

    I haven’t experienced a miscarriage so won’t pretend I can understand that feeling of loss and resulting fear hun at all BUT having two has been fab for us. Second time around you are soooo much more chilled and that newborn is a doddle compared to the toddler. If the eldest has nursery days you can sit on the sofa with that teeny baby and just snuggle. Best feeling ever!! Do it 🙂 xx #marvmondays

  8. March 6, 2017 / 5:18 pm

    After my 1st I announced that I was never doing it again.
    After my 2nd I announced that I was never doing it again.
    After my 3rd (just 4 months ago) I announced that I was never doing it again.. Hahaha!

    I *think* I’m done now but I always knew when I was ready for another one because I would get that same longing that you described. I had 5 miscarriages before my first so I totally get that fear and not being able to relax during the pregnancy. One day at a time sweet Mama! #MarvMondays
    Liane recently posted…Why I Lost My Love For Writing.My Profile

  9. March 6, 2017 / 8:44 pm

    You never knew what 2017 will bring – some true! Things a,ways seem to happen when we relax and try not to be anxious about things. I remember being told don’t hold onto what you can’t change, focus on what you can change. I’ll be following to see what this year beings for you! X #marvmondays

  10. March 6, 2017 / 8:56 pm

    Ahhh you are totally ready for the next baby! Me personally, I am done, never want to give birth again! But then I see those teeny tiny babygros in the shops…. ahhh!
    #MarvMondays

  11. March 6, 2017 / 9:35 pm

    Oooh I hope it all works out for you.

    I remember being pregnant with my first and having the exact same conversation with my husband – “We are NEVER having anymore children. I know everyone says that once I’ve had the baby, I’ll change my mind. You MUST NOT let me change my mind. I am NOT going through this again!”

    ……. and yet just 1 week after the birth, I remember saying, “Well, we could maybe have ONE more!” Hahaha.

    #blogcrush
    Lucy At Home recently posted…#BlogCrush Week 3: 3rd February 2017My Profile

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