I am so excited; we are off on a little Autumn holiday next week so it’s going to be a bit quiet from me on the old blog front.
It’s all been organised a bit last minute, but then aren’t all the best things like that (you know the drill; fancy a quiet drink… 7 hours later you’re in bed fully clothed, comatose and blissfully unaware of the hell you are going to feel in the morning, or popping to TopShop on a whim only to find the perfect outfit, even if it is £70 )! So when hubs said to me a couple of weeks ago to pick the date and we’d go and stay in our friends beautiful cottage in the Peak District, I wasn’t going to wait too long!
Now of course I am excited for the break; the Peak District is beautiful and I can’t wait for some days out, yummy meals, a cosy cottage, and to switch off and relax.
But I’m especially excited for two reasons.
The first one being that this will be our first break with just us three. All our breaks this year have been with extended family, which was of course lovely, but I can’t lie; the thought of going on a family holiday and it’s just my little family, is something that makes my little heart swell with pride. Perhaps that sounds silly. My husband loves massive group family holidays and is all for them, although he is just as excited for our little break. But to me, going away just us three; Mummy, Daddy and son, is something that is so special to me. I’m being a proper little Mum planning our evening meals (this will go to hell by the way, I’ll plan it all and then each night I’ll crave something completely different to what we’ve decided on – I may be an organised Mum, but I’m also still an indecisive woman), and sorting out Joshs cosy clothes to keep him warm from the, very welcome, Autumn chill in the air. And I can’t wait to capture lots of photos to share with you all, and hopefully some video footage too which I’ll put together into a vlog when I get back.
But the second reason I am so excited is a bit more personal.
Sam took me to the Peak District pretty much exactly two years ago. And for any of you that are regular readers (or my friends – ah, my beautiful friends – I love you! Yes, you reading this! You little beaut ) I went through a difficult period that year. I won’t rehash it too much but I went through a difficult time that year and completely lost myself. I am such a positive, happy person but for some reason, that got a little bit lost. I became withdrawn, suffered panic attacks, and shut down from those I am the closest too. One thing that is a benefit of being completely open is that people could see I wasn’t myself. Those that suffer with anxiety or depression can often cover their feelings and hide it. Even in my withdrawn state I couldn’t do that. So I actually dealt with how I was feeling quite quickly, which I think is pretty rare for those who go through that. For that I count myself very lucky because the strain on my marriage was huge and I am very lucky I have such a supportive husband and he helped me a great deal. And once I started to deal with it, Sam suggested we have a little break away. And that’s when we first visited the Peak District.
I fell in love with the area straight away; it was so beautiful, quiet, and easy if that makes sense. I remember I went there and just relaxed, I switched off from all the chaos I’d had going on in my head. We went for many walks and long bike rides (27 miles one day if I recall correctly – God knows how I managed that. Sam must have had a bottle of wine waiting for me at home)! But the fondest memory of the place is that I feel it is somewhere I started to heal. I didn’t feel anxiety whilst we there and at that point, given that I was feeling anxiety so much, that was a huge thing for me. It was like a massive step in the right direction and I always look at it as a sign of me getting back to myself.
To be returning there so happy, in such a good place in my life, and with my beautiful baby boy, is such an accomplishment for me. Perhaps that sounds silly but when I think back to who I was when I was there two years ago, in comparison to who I am now, it’s something I am proud of. I’m stronger, happier, and a Mummy!
I think life is all about creating beautiful moments. Memories. Sometimes you have to sacrifice everything to create them, work day and night, travel hundreds of miles, even let go of the things you love. Being cradled in a beautiful moment is when you’ll feel most alive.
Although some may be hard to create, if you know where to look, then you’ll be surprised how many there are…
They flutter past us every day. They sail past our collective conscience like strangers passing under the night sky, they can be found in the flickering light that spills over your legs on a train while going to see someone you love, in the infectious laugh of close friend, and even carried in the smell of the morning air as you leave for work. They are ubiquitous, the hardest part is seeing what’s right in front of you and holding onto it.
When I think back to the girl who went on that trip two years ago, how I’d felt in the months before we went away, and having kept all that anxiety closed off and hidden away as best as I could, I don’t recognise her. She was so lost, so far removed from the person she is now. I wish I could go back and say to her “don’t worry, you’re going to visit this really beautiful, pure, quiet place and it will be such a huge step in your road to recovery, and not only that, but you are going to visit it again a couple of years later with your husband and your beautiful, funny, adorable baby boy and you will be the happiest you’ve ever been”. Of course we can’t go back and tell ourselves these things, and maybe in a way that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Otherwise, how else would we learn the lessons. Sometimes you have to go through the shit, to get to the happiest places in your life. It makes you so grateful for what you have and accomplish.
I want anyone who feels like they are in a place far, far away from where they want to be, that things will in time improve and you’ll find what you’ve always wanted. Things can always get better, no matter how bleak they may seem.
And in the mean time I am signing off for a week people, to enjoy this time with my little family, and value every moment. Don’t worry, I’ll be sharing our adventures with you on my return!
Lots of Love