First up, I can’t actually believe I am writing this at 5 weeks post baby! My little girl is 5 weeks tomorrow. Where the actual hell has the time gone.
I wanted to write todays blog post because I was actually inspired by an old blog post of my own! I know – get me. When I was about 6 weeks post partum after Josh I did a blog post about those early days and documented it with photos showing the reality – you can have a gander here if you fancy. But when I read it yesterday I felt kind of sad – I was really quite down in those first few weeks after Josh. I was in such a haze; everything was unknown to me, I was a first time Mum who had no idea what sleep deprivation was until Josh came along and opened my eyes. I wrote honestly about how I felt though because so many Mums go through those first few weeks feeling that blind panic about how to adapt to motherhood without speaking up about the fear they’re feeling. But it is clear from that blog post I did struggle.
So how have I felt this time around. Don’t get me wrong; it’s no walk in the park. I’ve got two of them to contend with now too. But in terms of dealing with the newborn life I’ve felt a bit more relaxed. I don’t know if I am just already shattered from two years of Josh or if I knew I’d be exhausted and felt more mentally prepared for it. But I’ve not felt as hormonal or depressed from the lack of sleep. Of course I have had days where I am a bit stabby with the tiredness and could do without Josh launching himself me and my c section scar but somehow I am coping.
The thing I’ve found hardest is being so restricted after the C Section – it wasn’t so much of a problem when I had Josh as it was just us, but this time ironically Josh is the challenge. He wants cuddles and lifting up still; I can’t lift him in and out of his cot for naps or in and out of the highchair, and even now at 5 weeks it’s still impossible. This week I tried to lift the buggy out the car; epic fail. My scar has now been aching and sore for a couple of days which sucks.
I’ve made a real effort this time to recover properly and to take my time. The first two weeks I adopted the life style of lady muck and did nothing; Sam had to cook, clean, deal with Josh and basically do anything I asked. I knew taking that time was essential this time so I could recover properly overall rather than over doing it and setting myself back. By weeks 3-4 I felt up to going out a bit more, going for walks, going with the boys to soft play and the shops and it felt good to get out and about. This week I’ve done a bit more and even gone out solo with Holly a couple of times and it’s been really nice. The only problem was pulling my scar a bit but other than that I’ve felt great.
I can’t lie though, I am now very nervous about the prospect of properly flying solo with the kids (it still freaks me out a bit saying kids…. two of them…. I’m outnumbered)! So far I’ve had a friend or some family come over to help me with lifting things and stuff but now, with the magic week six in sight, it feels like I need to get used to doing things on my own for a bit. I’ve spoken a bit about this over on my Instagram and had many messages from other Mums who have felt the same; it is really overwhelming. Josh is a handful and is quick to throw a mega tantrum and to deal with this and somehow look after Holly….. if I’m honest in my head I have no idea how I’ll cope.
But as I always say to myself I will cope. Somehow. I am forever telling others they’ve got this, offering advice on how to cope and in this instance I really need to take my own advice. Because if I don’t I can see it being one of those things I put off repeatedly and the last thing I want is to be confined to the house. Spring is coming, the weather is picking up and I just need to bite the bullet and do it so I can prove to myself, and others, that it is completely possible to venture out the house with an errant toddler and a boob reliant baba.
For me, that is the biggest challenge at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely bloody exhausted; Holly is a firm believer that sleep is for the weak. And trying to find the time to do anything including shower, and writing this blot post, is near on impossible when you have two demanding mini people with constant demands ranging from boob, building towers, changing nappies and more boob. But these are all the things motherhood throws at you right. These are the things we have to contend with. Being a Mum is one hell of a juggling act and I guess the key thing is balance. Its finding middle ground. I can’t go out every single day to every baby class I would like to take Holly to because I have Josh and I would have some sort of nervous breakdown putting myself under that much pressure. On the flip side I can’t stay at home all day every day because I will lose my mind and Josh would lose his even more.
Us Mums so often say we’re “Winging It” and it’s entirely true. And for me, it does seem to be working so far. So for now we’re going to enjoy our little love bubble of feeding, cuddles and taking everything one day at a time.