Tonight’s post isn’t particularly about a certain subject. I just felt the need to write so I really hope you don’t mind me rambling on! Writing is like my little form of therapy and I seem to articulate myself so much better in written word than when I chat (as you can tell if you’ve been following my IG stories)!
This week has not been easy. Hubs is away for the week on a snowboarding holiday with the boys. I know, I know I am, quite frankly, a fucking legend for being cool with this!! And having taken the time to think about things, I am also a fucking legend just for getting through this week; for balancing everything. I am working now as a PA, from home and that is not always easy to do from home with a now walking (WOO HOO) one year old who wants to play constantly. I’m doing that, whilst doing all I can to occupy Josh; playing with him, making sure he eats well, getting out for some fresh air (probably more for my sanity than his). This goes hand in hand with the usual daily stuff; cooking, washing (HOW do they create so much washing – it’s literally insane), bath time, reading, trying to make sure the house doesn’t look like a shit tip in which Fisher Price has vomited, trying to make sure I don’t look like something that got caught in the drain. And along with all this, this week I’ve stopped breastfeeding.
To sum up, I am a hormonal, tired, overwhelmed Mama! And like any other Mum I’ve been through all the emotions this week, but most of all that bitch Guilt! Guilt for not spending as much time as I should with Josh, guilt for not doing more work than I could have. But literally, how can you do both! You can’t. Something’s got to give.
If you read my blog you’ll know I’ve been thinking about putting Josh in nursery for a couple of mornings a week and this is definitely something I am still considering (along with the option of a childminder). I’m not going to go into that subject in this post because that’s a whole other subject!
But as I say, somethings got to give. Us Mums may well want to have it all but sometimes we can’t literally do it all! This week has been a whole new ball game for me. When Sam first said he was going on holiday I didn’t particularly bat an eyelid. I’m not the sort of wife who tells Sam what he can and can’t do. And I also didn’t really think about how I’d cope for a week alone. However I also underestimated myself and what I’m capable of.
I really put myself out there with this blog, and with my social media posts. One of the things that makes this blog unique (I hope) is my honesty. My inability to beat around the bush. I don’t sugar coat things. And I couldn’t sugar coat this week even if I wanted too. I seem to give off the vibes of whatever I’m feeling without even realising and this became apparent this week with friends messaging me to check I was ok because they were worried about how I seemed. First of all I have to say that for friends to do this, to care and to check in on you, is one of the most special and meaningful things a friend can do. To just know a friend is there. I popped into a friends at dinnertime, she lives close by and despite being friends for less than a year she just gets me. We click. She text me, told me to get my arse over there, and when I arrived had the wine and chocolate at the ready. She knew I needed half an hour of R&R, to vent, and admit that I’ve struggled this week.
I can’t lie I am SO jealous of Sam this week. Not just because of where he’s gone – our old snowboarding haunt where we’ve had many wild group holidays with friends and some hilarious laughs – but because he won’t have a care in the world this week beyond his hangover after an apres ski session on the Jaigerbombs. This is hard to write because I don’t want to sound like I’m being horrible about my husband. He works hard, he deserves a break. But this week it dawned on me that I deserve a break too. I need one! I have had one night away since Josh was born that to me qualifies as a break because I wasn’t getting up to feed the baby (I did still have to get up though because my stupid boob leaked everywhere – I was so annoyed)! Josh is 13 months old. Now I know some of you may think “she’s had holidays” and yes we did have a couple of UK breaks last year, but dare I say it, for me it was just looking after Josh in a different location! He still needed feeding, bathing, nap times and so on.
Us Mums do not stop. It’s mental. From the moment you are unexpectedly sliced open and then sent home two days later with a baby and a box of paracetamol, you don’t stop. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Its go go go. And it’s HARD. I’m sorry but it is. I have no doubt some people are reading this and thinking why is she saying it’s hard, she doesn’t even go out to work. I’ll tell you why, cause an average day goes like this:
6.30am (AKA a lie in) – up, change nappy, plonk baby in baby jail in front of (BASTARD) Teletubbies. Feel guilt (first of the day) for doing so but literally no other way to empty dishwasher, feed cats and make tea (NOTHING will deter me from that first cuppa). Somehow also check emails.
7.30 – 8.30 – Breakfast. Try to feed Josh his whilst devouring mine without him noticing. Usually get at least two thirds of Josh’s thrown at me, the cat or the wall. Baby then realises he’s not got as much breakfast as he wants. Baby gets pissed off. Mummy starts the process over again. Then attempt to get baby dressed. Now that he’s 13 months its apparently a huge amount of fun to roll, squirm, attempt to sit up whilst getting him dressed. About as much fun as a bikini wax (BTW why does no one ever say how much they hurt – it’s a fucking joke. Y’know what else hurts – your child punching you in the tit a day after you’ve stopped breastfeeding)!
8.30 – 9.00 – The magic half hour – Josh plays or watches his beloved In The Night Garden whilst I wash face, get dressed, do hair, do make up (maybe I’m shallow or vain but I have to do this every day or I feel like shit. I usually do look like shit by midday so it’s actually quite pointless) drink more tea, get washing on, set up work emails ready for when Josh naps.
9:30 – 10:30 – Work. I’m now PA to four people. An hour isn’t long enough on everything I need to do. Panic that the baby will sleep for less than an hour.
10:30 – Baby wakes up! Make us both toast. Drink more tea (I honestly have no idea what I’d do without tea. I’d probably die). Usually now I try to get us out of the house. Fresh air makes all the difference; we might have a play date (no that doesn’t mean coffee with a friend – those days are long gone, it’s more likely that we will buy coffee then watch it go cold whilst we both attempt to stop our children running riot wherever we are and finding about 3 minutes to talk to each other).
Lunch – more food thrown at me. Fun.
2:00 – 3.30 – If we’re having a good day, baby boy will sleep now. Enabling me to do more work. If not it transpires that a conference call with a baby talking rubbish in the background is entirely possible but VERY testing.
4:00 – Cook! I hate cooking with a passion but since Josh has been born I’ve insisted on feeding him freshly cooked meals. It’s usually around now that I realise I’m missing a vital ingredient and have to do an emergency trip to Tesco. Note that I don’t say a quick trip because it’s never quick when a baby is involved. His newest trick is refusing to sit in his car seat when I put him in it. The kid has got a frankly worrying amount of strength.
Dinner – Covered in food (me and him)
Bath – Drenched because splashing is his favourite
Story Time – My child likes to eat the book whilst you read it to him
The Bedtime Hour – God Bless you Cbeebies. Use this time to tidy, put washing away and more often than not drink a glass of wine in the kitchen whilst rocking out to the ten minute takeover on Greg James’ (BEAUT) radio 1 show. Mummy time at its best.
Bed Time – This week with no feeding. Nothing like tiptoeing out of that nursery to my three hours of freedom!
Then in the evening I eat, blog, have a bath and by approximately 8.49 am falling asleep. I’m useless – I get tired so fast! Having said that its 8.45 as I type this and I actually feel OK!
I know there seems to be very little point in what I’m saying, but the message I am trying to get across is that it’s OK to find it tough sometimes. To be overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel so bad for complaining – I see people going through things far worse than me. I know I’m lucky. But I have no doubt even the most well put together Mum has days where she is mentally draine! No one is perfect. We all do our best and that’s what you’ve got to remind yourself.
It’s nearly the end of this hectic, testing, draining bitch of a week, and what I’ve got at the end of it is a happy, healthy little boy who has taken his first steps this week, who is attempting to say the cats name, who has had a lovely week managing to see one of his little buddies each day, and who I’ve been told several times is such a happy little boy. And do you know what – I can take credit for that. Little Old Me! I’m killing it at this motherhood malarkey even if I do look like the walking dead. Every time I’ve got emotional this week I’ve been apologetic; “I’m sorry it’s just me being stupid”. But you know what it is ME! I am emotional, I do get overwhelmed, I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I just want a hug. That’s what makes me, what makes me human, and hopefully my nature being a good one, where I do try to be positive even when I’m struggling, is something Josh will inherit.
Being a Mum is rewarding, special, the most amazing thing to be blessed with. It’s also bloody hard work. So lets cut ourselves a bit of slack and try and recognise that we’re all doing our best, and to our bubs that’s more than enough.
I know I need to take a bit of my own advice and I will do that. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt this week it’s that I need to remind myself that I am a good Mum and a good wife. I need to tell myself that – Practise what you preach.
I’m sorry if this is just a rambling whinging post. I needed to write, I needed to get a lot of this out. There’s more I need to get out but now is not the time. But I am ever grateful if you take the time to read this.
Lots of Love as Always
PS. My evening was just literally made by the fact my friend text me saying her little girl had done her first glitter poo! I haven’t laughed this much all week! Just had to share that with you all!