When you have one of those shitty days where everything and anything is going tits up all you can do is remind yourself “it can only get better“. The universal mantra of exhausted Mums everywhere. We have to tell ourselves this otherwise we’ll end up in a pool of self medicated gin.
This is what I am trying to tell myself this morning. I’ve been up since 5am. The night before last I was up for about four hours. Going away at the weekend turned Josh into some demonic anti sleep monster and he’s suddenly become outrageously clingy. The final straw was dropping him off at nursery this morning – for a baby that’s never normally clingy, he had an absolute meltdown when I left him and I could hear him crying as I went downstairs and left. I cried the whole way home. I felt like such a shit Mum.
I hate days like this cause it fogs your mind up. One minute I just want to be utterly selfish and rebel; I want to read a book or have a three hour nap or go shopping. The next minute I want to hold Josh as close as possible and not let him go cause I don’t ever want him to feel as though Mummy isn’t there for him. It can be so confusing at times; your heart strings are being pulled whilst your brain is dire need of “Me Time”.
It’s only 10am and if I’m honest, I hate today. I hate the days you have when your emotions, hormones and so on get the better of you. It makes me feel unenthusiastic, unmotivated, uninspired. And I absolutely hate feeling that way. I am usually one of the most positive people you could meet. I always try to look on the lighter side of things, think positive, be happy. Sometimes though it really is a lot easier said than done.
Several hours later….
So I actually had to abandon this post earlier cause I hated myself for the negative tone. I hated that I was feeling so down, and I hated that it made my writing take the exact opposite tone of what I, usually, express through this blog. I knew as I was typing I had two choices; sit and be a miserable cow for the rest of the day, or get up, get some make up on and go to the shops for some fresh air and goodies. And that’s exactly what I did; a bit of fresh air, a bunch of flowers and a pair of new pumps and I started to feel much better.
It’s not a good feeling when, having suffered with depression in the past, you have one of these days where you feel unenthusiastic about everything, drained of all energy and motivation. I do not like feeling that way. I know a lot of how I am feeling is down to sheer exhaustion as Josh hasn’t been sleeping, but it doesn’t change that feeling when you can feel that dark cloud hovering. I feel beyond grateful that now I am in control of these moods and emotions. It’s not always easy; motherhood is a permanent kick up the backside – there is no time to sit and wallow. But the emotions it can conjure up, good and bad, can be downright overwhelming at times. Because exhaustion as a mother isn’t just down to a lack of sleep; it’s because we don’t stop – emotionally, mentally and physically. And everything we do and feel for these little beings of ours we put our all into. Having night after night of broken sleep is going to turn you into a potentially axe welding emotional wreck. You are going to have days when you just think please god can I just stay in my pyjamas, let Cbeebies babysit for a few hours and just eat biscuits (here’s a little secret – every once in a while, you can, especially on grey cold wintery days)! But you can’t turn to Mr Tumble (ew) and chocolate digestives (boom) every day. It can be the hardest thing in the world kicking yourself up the arse, but once you’ve done it, and you’re going about your business, at your own pace, it’s another one of those small but very important Mum Wins!
Some nights, days, weeks, are just extra tough. That’s just motherhood. I for one can honestly it’s not easy being a Mum. But when you have those really challenging days it can border on despair. Speaking for myself, you disconnect, uninterested in what usually inspires you and feel like a failure for not being able to muster up the enthusiasm that those Cbeebies presenters have (what the actual fuck are they on). Yet being like this, you so often miss the achievements you’ve accomplished that day; the baby is fed, clothed, warm, loved. The shopping has been done, the dinner is on, the house is vacuumed. You are actually owning this motherhood malarkey but you can’t see the wood for the trees because some days it just all feels a bit shit.
Today is just one of those days. No amount of coffee or cupcakes helps sometimes. And I’d love to just stay in this cosy corner of the sofa I’m writing from now – yep, I’m not even at my lovely desk. But I won’t. I will get up and cook for Josh. I will cook my husband a lovely (please God, don’t let me fuck it up) pre valentines meal. I will get Josh bathed. I will play games with him and read to him. I’m his Mum and that’s my responsibility.
However I will also take the time to have a long hot shower this evening and put a hair mask on. I will FINALLY start reading The Girl On The Train (SOOOOO many books to read at the moment). And I will be serving wine with dinner – essential. I’ll be taking a little bit of time for me. To balance out the hell that has been, one of those days.