So last night I was doing a dream feed for the munchkin and I had to change his nappy…and the second I took it off, whilst trying to do this quickly and quietly so he didn’t fully wake up, he decided to wee all over me! Ah yes… sods law! The law of parenting! Turns out, we encounter this quite a lot as Mums, as I’ve quickly learnt. You are about to embark on many occasions of FFS’ing under your breath…
The Timing of a Poo is EVERYTHING
As all us Mums know, getting a little one and yourself up, fed, showered, dressed and ready to leave the house, is no mean feat. But then comes that wonderful moment, you’re ready to tackle the day, a dynamic duo, bring it on! Then lo and behold, with a great big smile the baby decides to do a poo the second you grab your keys to leave the house. Your moment of achievement is ruined, and you are back to square one with getting little one undressed, redressed all the while hoping that it’s not part one of a sequel.
Sometimes though, quite miraculously, you do make it out of the house without the obligatory last minute poo! These are fabulous moments – you’re winning at life. Then of course, you get to the supermarket, or a friends, or a class, go to get the baby out the car seat and are met with that horrendously familiar warm, dampness rapidly leaking through their clothes. More often than not this happens when you are somewhere with shoddy changing facilities, or when you are in a huge rush or, horror of horrors, when you’re at a friends pristine lovely house and you have the shame of spoiling their scented candle lit and reed diffuser filled home by bringing in the unmistakeable odour of eau’d baby poo!!!!!!
For the simple reason of poo, you will spend vast amounts of time quietly swearing under your breath. To survive this, for the love of God, do not ever leave the house without baby wipes! A poo explosion is hard enough; without wipes you’re screwed!!!!!
Public Meltdowns… they’re fun aren’t they
I swear to God, babies just know. I am convinced they wake up and decide “right, I’m going to have shit fit today for no reason other than I fancy it and I will do when I feel it is exactly the right moment”! Being the clever little things that they are, they pick these moments with extreme precision; the second you get to the till to pack shopping and pay in Tescos, when you bump into an old friend and you’re trying to give off the impression that you’re winning at motherhood, and when you’re trying to get a coat on your screaming child as it starts to piss down with rain!!!!!! And of course in these moments the zipper will get stuck on said coat, or you will try to laugh off your embarrassment by giving the screamer a cuddle only for them to fight this by kicking at you, yanking your hair and generally acting like they hate you!
Of course you’ll get home and when it’s just you two again, your baby will be an absolute delight and reward you with cuddles and smiles. You’ll want to glare at them and declare “too little, too late kid”… but you won’t. You’ll melt 🙂
The holy grail of parenting to me; getting your baby to sleep through the night. Not an easy feat. They will do it though… they’ll do it when they stay at Grandmas house, not in their own house or own bed. And Grandma will tell you what a good baby he or she has been.
You’ll then go home and baby will think sod this, and wake three times in the night complete with screaming for no apparent reason.
A Hot Drink…..
One of the things you quickly become accustomed to as a mother is having a luke warm cup of tea. You just get used to it; with a baby around there is no chance of a hot cuppa, apart from at nap time. And when that nap happens and you have that wonderful half an hour to get showered, get the washing on and quickly clean the kitchen, you ‘ll brave it and make yourself a cuppa. You’ll be thrilled at having a sit down, a hot drink and catching up with Emmerdale. The second your arse hits the sofa, your baby will wake up! They just know!
Falling Asleep at The Most Annoying Moment
We’ve all been there; we spend half our time wishing our little bundle of joy would have a nap. They fight these naps with almost admirable determination and you decide there’s nothing else for it; you’re going to have to go for a drive, preferably via a drive thru Costa. Baby remains awake and after half an hour you give up and head home. You turn into your road, look in the baby rear view mirror…. baby is fast asleep! So now you’re faced with the dilemma of either continuing to drive around aimlessly or taking a gamble and trying to carry sleeping beauty into the house in the car seat praying they won’t wake (they will , they always do). And as you sit and ponder this quandary, you are also thinking “Whyyyyyyyyyyy couldn’t you just fall asleep in your cot so I could have half an hour to put the washing on or watch Loose Women”! More than a bit frustrating.
You spend the first couple of months of breastfeeding (if this is what you’re doing) wearing breastpads for fear of public leakage. But once things settle down, your boobs stop their ridiculous and unpredictable leaking and you can stop wearing these hideous boob sanitary towels!!
And on that day you decide to brave it and don’t wear them, you’ll go out, more than likely in a white top (have I learnt nothing from “Poogate”), your baby will cry (standard) and your boobs will leak abruptly and obviously. Fan-bloody-tastic. Add breast pads to the baby wipes on the list of things to NEVER leave the house without.
Health Visitor Timing
Health Visitors are never on time, they are always late. But they will almost certainly always turn up when the baby has scratched his face like some sort of Wolverine and looks like he’s been attacked by a Edward Scissorhands, or when you are crying your eyes out cause you’ve nicked him with the nail clippers.
And lets be honest, these are just a select few of those FFS moments we’ll encounter as parents! As I’ve said before, it’s bloody hard work, and these testing times can push you to breaking point. But laugh – you’ve got to laugh – laugh in the face of adversity, laugh at the ludicrous moments you have to put up with and just look at your cheeky babies face and I can guarantee it will calm your frustration and get a smile on your face. And for those days that are really bad…….. there’s always bed time and a glass of wine (Naughty, I know. Necessary – definitely)!
Thanks for reading – hope this made you smile in the face of Baby FFS moments! Don’t let them sense your fear…. 😉