So one Saturday morning I got up and decided to take a pregnancy test. Force of habit. Over eight months of trying, it wasn’t even an exciting prospect at this point; I’d kind of given up hope.
I’d woken early and decided to clean the house, when I remembered I was due on that day so grabbed one of my tests and did it. I did it by myself, no big deal, and had no hopes or expectations. It’s quite sad thinking of it like that but as anyone who has been trying for a while will understand, you daren’t get your hopes up.
I did the test and then left it on the wash basin. I was so dismissive that I buggered off and did the house work for another hour before remembering I’d done the test and I’d better go and check it.
So I went back into the toilet, and saw the test on the sink and suddenly saw that magic, beautiful, holy shit my life has changed, second line! It didn’t matter how faint it was, at long last I knew it was 100% there.
I remember I ran upstairs to Sam who was still in bed and woke him and showed him and saw his excited, stupidly happy but very shocked face.
And in that second, your life pivots, everything shifts. Every tiny thing changes. In that moment you suddenly realise everything in your life will be different. Don’t get me wrong, we were so happy it was ridiculous. But what a realisation!
The whole way through your pregnancy you then have the excitement of wondering what it will feel like to give birth. As time goes on you have the realisation you are going to actually have your own little human; it hits home that you’re going to have a child. And that’s pretty scary in a way!
So during that time you tend to research, look to other women who have had children. And yes we can go to our Mums, or our family, but sometimes you want someone who is on your wavelength. And that’s when I started to look online for blogs from other pregnant women and vlogs from those who could talk about what it was like to go through pregnancy and birth. And it was during this time I was raving about them to my husband and he said “you should do that, you should write about being pregnant”. You don’t want to feel scared or isolated when you’re pregnant and I felt if I could share how I felt during my pregnancy then, you never know, it might help someone else. So I started my weekly pregnancy updates. I think when I first started doing these and friends saw them on Facebook they were probably a bit bored with the updates to be honest but as time went on I saw my posts getting more likes, reads, comments and shares. Because fundamentally, I was sharing a story, a new life, a life that was growing inside me and a life that Sam and I were about to share and people were enjoying reading about it.
As I got closer to the end of my pregnancy, I started to get people asking if I was going to continue blogging when the baby arrived. I had it in my head I would be but honestly, I didn’t know how it would pan out. If I’d have the time, if I’d still have the passion to do it, if I’d want to share the honest side of becoming a parent. It turns out it was an absolute life line.
I love capturing the moments we’ve gone through, even when they aren’t good moments. The moments when it’s hard, tough, tiring, exhausting, that’s real. And I think the honesty of my blog perceives that reality; the reality of being a parent.
I stand by the fact I became a Mum the moment I found out I was pregnant. But I became a parent, a team of parents with my gorgeous husband, on a December Wednesday. It all kicked off in the middle of the night nearly 40 hours previously and after several baths, a supermarket shop (I had to keep busy) two epidurals (don’t ask – read the gory details here) and an emergency Cesarean section later, Sam and I were no longer Sam and Fi .We were Mum and Dad. And once again, on this crazy rollercoaster, our lives changed again. You are handed this little person in a towel and that’s it; life will never be the same .Your whole world changes. And I am so glad it did. It was crazy, scary, exhilarating, daunting, and magical. And once I got home, and got to grips with things, even in my baby blues state, I knew I wanted to do something that resonated. That other women (and men) could read and relate to. An honest account of being a parent, the realities, the shit side of things, because I’m sorry it’s not always that beautiful picture people paint on Facebook. And that sense of relief you feel when someone else says “yes, this is bitchin hard” is so huge. I wanted to give that to other women and Mums. And now I want to further that. I want to go beyond words that are written, I want to give my lovely readers the opportunity to see me, hear me, and really understand the things I am saying, and be able to relate to me. That’s why I want to vlog. It’s not because everyone else is doing it, it’s not because it’s the “in” thing, it’s because I want you guys to know me, and have a sigh of relief when I tell it like it is and you have that feeling of “yes, it’s not just me”. I’m not the perfect Mum; I swear too much (yes, before you ask I am curbing it in front of the baby), I am pretty straight to the point (too much at times) and sometimes I drink wine on a Monday! But I’m also real, honest, and someone other Mums can relate to. Cause I will say it like it is. This is me, faults and all! We can all paint a pretty picture of our lives on Instagram but the harsh reality of motherhood is so much more empowering and interesting and that’s why I share my life the way I do.
I love writing, and I will continue to do it. And I love sharing my stories with you all and I can’t wait to do it to the next level with vlogging. I really hope this is going to go well, I really hope you enjoy what’s yet to come, and I really hope you watch my life, challenges and all and it makes you smile.
On to the next adventure… <3