It feels like I haven’t blogged in ages, especially in my chatty mode where I just ramble on!
It’s been a bit of a shit week if I’m totally honest. But one that has restored my faith in people, especially my fellow bloggers. And as I write tonight, at the end of said shit week, I am feeling so positive, refreshed and grateful, thanks to a lovely day with Josh.
If any of you saw my Instagram stories on Tuesday you’ll know that I was a bit down. OK, very down. I am really bad for letting things bubble up in my mind and I worry about a lot of stuff, often unnecessarily! I’ve been worried about Josh and this current phase he’s going through; I worry is he talking enough, I worry that he is too boisterous. But I know deep down he’s a good little boy. He’s not doing anything wrong and he’s developing perfectly normally but you can’t help doing the whole “comparing thing” can you.
I was also getting a bit (!) stressed about the whole blogging thing. I put my all into my blog. I write honestly, and am very open about the fact I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t have an issue with expressing vulnerability in my writing. I like to think that is what makes my blog mine. But I can’t lie, and yes this does go back to the whole comparison thing again, I do look at other bloggers and wonder if I will ever manage to make a success of Beauty Baby and Me. But even having just typed that I’ve had a lightbulb moment. Does making a penny from my blog encapsulate what defines “success”. I know deep down it doesn’t. I know it’s far more important to me to offer reassurance and be real and true to myself. Of course I want to progress, grow, get new followers, and I’d be over the moon to make a few quid off my blog but I know it is more important to just be Fi.
This was drummed into me even more this week when I got a Twitter notification informing I’d been nominated by someone (I don’t know who but can I just take the opportunity to say thank you to whoever it was because I know you would only have nominated me out of kindness) in a poll labelled “Favourite Blogger on Twitter”. In standard Twitter style this was done by a poll…. a visible poll where I could see how many votes I had…. a measly 4%. I felt like SUCH an idiot. I felt like a failure, I felt embarrassed and this all came two days after my down day and I’d just managed to pick myself back up and feel better. It was a kick in the teeth.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing; I know a poll like this doesn’t define me, I know the practicalities of it – the number of votes cast wasn’t huge etc, but to ignore it was easier said than done. In typical Fi fashion I tried to make a joke out of it and took a screen grab which I then shared with a comment “Don’t fancy my chances much”. But when I thought about it in bed that night (seriously – insomnia at the moment is a nightmare) it also made me think about the fact that, dare I say I know it, I am good at blogging. It doesn’t need to be a popularity contest. In my opinion that’s not the point in blogging. The point in blogging for me is to be honest, to be real, to show the amazing highs and the challenging lows that being a parent brings.
I am sure the person who created that poll didn’t do it maliciously. I really like to think no one would ever do that sort of thing. I should imagine they thought it would give some people a confidence boost and perhaps some exposure, but I do wish they could have done it in a way where you couldn’t see the votes polled. Cause I felt SO shit about myself. I felt rubbish. I have been wanting to write this post since this all happened on Thursday but I feel like I kind of went into a hole. Writing normally comes so naturally to me but I’ve felt so drained and unmotivated. But having read the comments I got sent, it was the most amazing feeling. It was like getting several hugs from my amazing blogging gals, a community that WE have created in which we support and encourage each other!!! And that is an incredible thing.
It’s not always easy to believe in yourself. But it’s so important that you do. And I’ve made sure over the last couple of days that I am putting my energy into believing in myself and Beauty Baby and Me. I have so much I want to do with my blog, so many avenues to explore and I want to continue my ramblings with you all. Picking yourself up when you’ve been a bit down, and then kicked when your down, is not always the easiest of things. It’s a good thing I’m a tough little cookie!!!
PS. I can’t put into words how much some of the amazingly supportive comments I’ve got this week have meant to me. For any of you that sent me some, thank you so much. You lifted me up this week <3