This weeks “dear diary” may seem rather boring in comparison to previous ones we’ve done, particularly our fun filled holiday diary of last week. This is mainly the baby’s fault!
One of the reasons Josh was so challenging on holiday was due to him being quite snotty and having a horrible cough. So on Monday I thought it was probably best I get him to the doctors. Good thing I did as it turns out he has something called Bronchiolitis. Poor little munchkin. It can often cause breathing problems in bubs, but thankfully for Josh it hasn’t and despite being poorly he has been in great spirits. So the doctors advice was cuddles and calpol! But she did have one bit of advice for us; it can be contagious so best to stay home for a few days…..
OH DEAR GOD
To me this sounded like hell. Josh and I go out every day. Play Dates, Classes, Walks; I make sure we get out the house every day. So the thought of a few days staying in the house and not seeing anyone sounded very testing. I find getting out the house so important, for me as well as Josh. A change of scenery, some fresh air, it really can do you the world of good. Especially at this time of year when it’s all getting a bit dark and grey.
We kind of obeyed….!! On Tuesday we had no option but to leave the house due to me suffering a horrible anxiety attack (I’ve written a rather personal post about this here ) so we went to the doctors again. On Wednesday we completely disobeyed the rules and went to a friends house for lunch and a playdate; naughty, but I am so glad we did cause apart from a couple of flying visits to the shops on to stock up on milk and supplies, we didn’t go out on Thursday and Friday! Thankfully my friend encouraged me to go and see her and her little one and it seems Josh hasn’t passed on his snot germs – phew!! Josh has also been full of beans this week despite being poorly – he hasn’t stopped and it’s been a full time job keeping him occupied. He’s the worlds happiest patient!!
But staying home for a few days, as much as it was nice to be relaxed and spend lots of time playing with Josh, has raised a few feelings of mummy guilt! I fucking hate mummy guilt it really pisses me off! It’s like you can’t win. Here are a few of the things I’ve felt guilty about this week:
- When playing with Josh and focusing on him, I’ve felt guilty for not blogging!!
- When I have had time to blog, I’ve felt guilty that Josh is in baby jail and that I’m not playing with him and giving him my full attention.
- Every morning I put Josh in baby jail, with his toys and catch up on emails and blog admin; this is usually for 45 minutes or so. And every morning I feel bloody guilty for doing it cause even though baby jail is full of toys, cushions and everything to keep him happy and occupied, I feel bad that I’ve put him in there instead of letting him out to crawl all over me, the laptop and cause chaos.
- Felt guilty I hadn’t taken him to the doctors sooner; what if it had been worse! (I’m an idiot – what’s the point in what ifs)!
- Spent so much time worrying over stupid things that I gave myself an anxiety attack. Stupid of me; I need to be 100% focused on Josh not stressing over the washing, hoovering, or the fact that one nights dinner isn’t a homemade organic feast that Annabel Karmel would be proud of.
- Felt guilty for not getting out for walks….. if we had I’d of felt guilty that the cold weather may have made Josh worse
- When Josh napped, I spent time catching up on TV I’ve taped that I’ve not had chance to blog; I didn’t spend that time tidying, blogging, cooking, I selfishily spent it doing something I wanted. Felt guilty afterwards that I hadn’t spent that time doing something more productive
I could go on and on! I am absolutely terrible for putting too much pressure on myself and worrying, as I have explained in my post earlier in the week. But I bet it’s not just me. So many of us will suffer with Mummy guilt. I had an epic one the other day. Josh is now constantly on the move. I’m not joking, I cannot get the kid to stay still! Even changing a nappy has turned into a battle; you can’t get it on him, he pulls it back off, he rolls over and you can imagine how much fun this is when trying to clean a poo smeared bum!! One day I was getting so cross I raised my voice at him with a “for Gods Sake Josh” out of frustration!! I can honestly say I felt AWFUL afterwards. I immediately text my friends asking if anyone else had done this and felt as terrible as me and thank the lord, I am not the only one to raise my voice at my child. Of course Josh couldn’t have cared less, he continued to be a pain in the arse whilst I was changing his and had the bonus of getting everything he wanted for the rest of the day because I felt so bad. One very happy baby.
Mummy guilt is a minefield and a constant battle. One part of you attempts to reassure yourself, telling you to get a grip it’s only a day at home, a bottle, a dummy, a dirty nappy, a bit of crying, a glass of wine, a night out, and so the list goes on. We beat ourselves up over all these things and more, and we shouldn’t! But often, no matter how good a job we’re doing, no matter how many times those around us tell us what a great mother we are, we still have that bitch mummy guilt screaming at us we should be doing this or that, and we should be doing it better, undoing all your previous hard work and leaving you an insecure, questioning wreck trying to deal with a screaming baby who you are convinced thinks you’re the worst Mum in the world!
The thing I, and all you Mums, need to do is remind yourself that you have got this motherhood thing sorted. No matter how much you’re questioning yourself, doubting yourself, worrying (argh the worrying) you have got this covered. Half the battle with motherhood is self belief! Every day us Mums face this battle, along with the battle of making it through the day keeping a kid alive! It isn’t fucking easy! And somedays it can almost weaken you into surrendering to the Mummy Guilt! But let me reassure you ladies (and dad’s who suffer with the unspoken Dad guilt)you will not be beaten by this bitch! We are all in this together; juggling babies, leaky boobs, tantrums, slowly losing our sanity. Sometimes it’s about taking a step back. Seeing that little person who relies on you for every little thing in life. He or she thinks you’re amazing. They don’t think you’re a shit Mum. They don’t doubt you. To them, you’re the bees knees. You’re their life line and they have all their faith in you. So you have to have faith in yourself and say fuck you Mummy guilt; I’m not going to feel like a shit Mum just cause I forgot to pick up some milk, or the house isn’t looking ship shape (seriously if you could see my house as I type this it’s like Babies R Us threw up in here). I’m not going to feel like a shit Mum cause sometimes I let Josh watch 10 minutes of the bastard Teletubbies in the morning whilst I check my emails and sometimes I let him self settle even if he is whinging as he does it. I’m not a shit Mum and nor are you. We are legends who single headedly grew these little people, through morning sickness, exhaustion and ballooning to the size of a whale and now hold down an unpaid 24/7 job of keeping them alive. Without us there would be no them. So next time Mummy guilt rears her ugly little head, remind her of this and that once your done with dirty nappies, screaming for no reason and boobs being obliterated as you try to feed your baby, that you won’t be feeling guilty for having that glass of wine this evening Take a moment to look at yourself through your babies eyes; you’re amazing.