Now that I am 32 weeks pregnant, I am on major wind down mode. At least as much as I can be with a toddler in tow. But I’ve decided to cut right back on work, start maternity leave and focus on getting some rest and preparing for this baby.
It may sound somewhat ridiculous but at my baby shower yesterday it hit me suddenly that I am having a second baby very very soon! I mean don’t get me wrong, obviously I have known I am having a baby – the massive bump, various food addictions and 7 months of puking, restless legs and immense tiredness have all told me that! But it was the unwrapping tiny babygrows, and soft blankets, that made me think Oh My God I am going to have another tiny person to look after soon.
I am feeling all kinds of emotional too. In fact I am quite the walking (waddling) hormonal trainwreck. The crying is now a regular occurrence; Holby City, dog food adverts, tiny baby leggings, Elf (yes – Elf – it was the warm and fuzzy lovey feelings), basically I cry at everything.
As well as that I am also feeling a bit self conscious. Anyone who follows my Instagram will know I am usually very confident when it comes to my bump and my pregnant body. For some reason I feel more confident about my body when I’m pregnant than when I’m not; I put it down to the massive boobs. So the other night when we had a date night out I was keen to impress the husband. It’d been so long since we’d had a night out and I did all my hair and make up and put on a new jumper dress I got especially. But as soon as I did I felt enormous. Obviously I am over 32 weeks pregnant now, and I am not going to be small at this stage, but I felt like I looked like a whale. I don’t like to feel self conscious and thankfully the other half told me I looked beautiful once he saw me.
It is now less than two weeks until our next growth scan. I believe this will be the scan at which I’ll be told the date of my section and whether it will be at 37 weeks or 39 weeks. I am thinking positive; I had a successful midwife visit this past week and from the measurements she took there it looks like baby is absolutely spot on as it should be for growth. Of course the scan will be more specific but I am holding out hope for 39 weeks. I want to cook this baby for as long as possible.
Nerves are kicking in now too. I feel good in that I’ve read a lot of positive elective C Section birth stories and that truly helps; so many of them say how relaxed it can be, the support you get is amazing, and you are so well looked after. I want to do things like put together a playlist of songs to listen to in theatre (I don’t know if my husband will allow our child to enter the world to One Direction though), and I’ve been listening to relaxing hypnobirthing apps. But I am scared of the most random things; for example the cannula which is my idea of hell. With my labour with Josh by the time the cannula was administered I was epically high on gas and air and I have no recollection of it. This time I will be far more aware of what is going on and I hate stuff like that as it makes me feel faint. I am hoping that it will come to mind over matter and I’ll just get on with it – I’ll have the small case of getting a child out of my body to focus on after all!
I still don’t feel 100% organised – I’d say the hospital bags are half packed. The baby has some adorable clothes, blankets and some nappies so if I went into labour now, it would be fine! My bag is so-so! I still need to go ENORMOUS knicker shopping and also get some button down nightshirts. The husband will be thrilled with me dragging him shopping again!
It still feels as though there is a lot to get my head around and not a lot of time to do that. Maybe that’s good – ignorance can be bliss and sometimes it’s good to almost be thrown in at the deep end. Obviously I know to an point what I am in for this time, although it dawned on me yesterday how much you magically “forget”. I went to see my friend who has a beautiful three week old and is in that demanding stage of just wanting boob, be it for comfort or food, and providing that unmistakably crying when you don’t give in! I forgot how draining that bit can be and I know I need to somehow mentally prepare myself for that because I had cleverly erased those colic filled witching hours from my mind whilst I’ve been in my baby growing love bubble!
I’ve also had the aftermath of the birth in my head. Despite what others may think, you still bleed a vile amount after delivery via C Section and of course you’ve got the recovery of the op to contend with. I remember finding showering so hard; you’re weak, you’re bleeding (top tip – just buy those Tena Lady disposable pants that have a built in pad and wear them in the shower so you don’t have to see the grimness) but you must keep your wound clean and then thoroughly dry. I know I’ll have to take it very easy which is something I fear may be somewhat lost on Josh! I can’t say I enjoyed the recovery after I had Josh; I felt very weak, I was dependant on my husband and I hated the daily injections you have after a C Section. But I did it; despite my fear and discomfort, I got on with it. And I know I will again.
So aside from some of these pleasant (!) side effects, the other thing playing on my mind is the irrational fear of the baby coming early. I know its massively unlikely but the fear is there all the same. The husband asked if he’d be ok to go on a course in early January and I nearly burst into tears. The thought of spontaneously going into labour alone, with Josh here leads me to irrational visions of me giving birth on the bathroom floor with a toddler playing trucks up and down my back as I moo into the floor!!! I think knowing the section date, which I will get in the next couple of weeks, may pacify me a bit and I will stop letting my imagination run wild!
So there we have it; irrational, hormonal thoughts, absolutely knackered, whale like in size and a desire to start nesting. Sums it up quite accurately.
One thing I must quickly note before I finish off this post is how much I LOVE the kindness people give you when you’re pregnant. People stop to offer a hand or smile sweetly at your bump (either that or they’re trying not to laugh at the sheer scale of it), and of course those you’re close to are there for you ten fold. As I’ve already said, my gorgeous friends threw me a baby shower at the weekend and I was predictably weeping at their kindness.
A lot of my fears, reading this post back, are about my lack of control over the whole situation. But there are aspects I can control and I take comfort in that. I don’t know this baby will stick to “schedule” and come when we book for, but I do know I can make an effort to relax, to look after myself, to take a step back from work, to listen to my hypnobirthing app, to make sure we have everything we need. All these things will calm me, relax and me and make me feel more confident about little ones arrival. It’s obviously a bit different this time, with a toddlers needs to bear in mind too, but I can work with that and him to give myself this time to relax and to enjoy our time together before both our worlds get thrown somewhat upside down.
Anyway I must stop babbling on. I meant this to be a short little update and yet here we are 1400 words later and me offloading on to you all. With me taking some time out now you might have a few more of these to look forward to (!) before he or she arrives!